Sunday, August 21, 2011

Is Long-Haul Trucking for Me? And Other Thoughts...

Trucking. So-called "Professional Tourism." I think it's really calling to me. Is it for me?

I wouldn't be leaving anyone behind, I don't really have anyone. I don't even know what I would do with "hometime," I'm really not attached to Reno sentimentally. I guess I'd probably pay my parents some money, for them to move into a bigger apartment, or start renting a house, and save me a room in that spot to come back to every now and then. I've read that you get about 4 days off per month to be at home.

I've ordered a couple of books on the subject of truck driving, one written by a man and the other written by a woman. They are geared toward making the decision of "Is truck driving for me?" And I'm going to read them before I do anything. There's also which has a ton of REALLY good info and message boards.

I want to see the country. I want to visit every state, and if possible, take my hometime in different places, stay in a motel or something and go exploring. I've read that many truck drivers without too much family obligations don't keep an apartment, house, or even car, and live out of their truck all year round, traveling. I don't know if I could really do that, I'm too attached to my art stuff to really give that up. Which is why I'd probably get a room with my folks.

I love my parents, I really really do. I don't want to live with them, and I don't want to see them all the time or even really talk to them all that frequently - it's painful for all parties for some reason. But they've had a really rough life, and I think it would be totally amazing if I could help them buy a house. Then, either it would be passed on to me, or if I decided to start buying my own before they pass, I could do that too. 34,000 a year- first year, to me, is a lot. It's more than twice what I've been making. And you get a raise after your first year and second year in most cases, I think.

And since I know how to live poor, I could totally save up tons of money in the bank. It would probably be a process, you know. I'd start by just trucking for a while - crashing on my parents' couch if needed for a couple of days here and there. Then once I'd feel I was making enough money, got enough in the bank, ask them to get a place with an extra room for me, and start shooting them "rent money" toward it, followed by the next step of helping them actually buy a house.

Things don't always happen the way they are planned, things often come up unexpectedly or things change and you end up changing your mind, and I understand that. But I really feel this. I'm 26, and I don't fit in, and I feel like this could be what I've been searching for. And the pay is good enough to help me start a REAL LIFE and have a REAL HOME somewhere, eventually.

At the same time, I don't think I necessarily NEED to have a home to go back to. If my parents... well, in complete 100% honesty here, if my parents continue to be total assholes like they have in the past, I may choose to eventually leave them out of the picture. I think we're beyond that, I think that now that my parents are in their 60s, and settling into themselves and their situations, them both being retired, my mom having her meds settled - I don't expect to see a whole lot of crazy drama from them any more. But, I could be wrong - I don't know.

Then again, it's hard because I can't really hold their mental illnesses against them. Just like I wouldn't want anyone to hold mine against me, especially not family. I don't know, it's a fine line with them between them being ill and them using me and being total emotional and monetary vampires and sucking me completely dry. So I'd really have to test the waters and feel out the situation.

Regardless of all THAT- I think the freedom of truck driving would be really refreshing. I need to find out a lot of things, I have sooo many questions about it. I'm not going to jump in, head first, without any real information ahead of time. I'm so glad I'm being smart about it, and taking my time to learn what I can.

I want to know what truck stops are like- what pay showers are like- what kind of space and how much room there is for personal belongings and clothes there is in the cab- if you have to take your hometime at the same place every time- what kind of info there is about violence against truckers- and about 1,000 other questions float around my mind.

I can't stop thinking about this. I have to find out more information or I will just BURST.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My Journal is, Firstly, My Journal

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and from time to time, am completely overwhelmed with paranoia as well. I am in treatment for these things, and trying to live my life in spite of and in respect for these issues. I am not saying this to win pity, it is just background information for what I am about to write about.

When I journal, I get my emotions out. I have kept a written journal for most of my life, since learning to write. It's a huge way for me to work through feelings I don't understand, and it helps me to express myself, release negative energy, and when finished working in my journal, walk away refreshed most of the time.

My visual journals, my art journals, are no different. But when I have finished one or am finished with one, I don't know what to do with it. It kind of feels like I have all these journals hanging around, more junk taking up more space. I don't feel the need to go and re-read or re-look at them, and if I do happen to do that, I am often reminded of pain I have gone through because that's how I got my pain out of me. Granted, my journal pages are becoming increasingly positive, but I still don't know if I will want these journals hanging around on a shelf for years to come, when I have an expanding book collection that I don't know if I'll ever read all of them.

Then again, in years to come, I may wish I had never thrown them away. So I'm not sure what to do. I have thrown away most of my past handwritten journals, and I don't miss them at all. But art journals are different... I don't know.

I also have some hybrid art/written journals. That's just what has been on my mind. I've been doing decluttering around my apartment, and I am holding on to the journals, for now, but I don't know about the future. Maybe I could reuse them in stead of just throwing them out, art over my previous entries.